When I think of "the spark" I tend to think of my own thoughts and feelings toward another person. Did I feel the spark, as if it is something I can feel alone. But, the research finds that the spark, also known as interpersonal chemistry, is a two-person experience. Chemistry comes from the dynamics between people and is not just something one person experiences by themselves. 

So what is chemistry?

Feeling chemistry with another person is all about synchronicity, or moving well together. People are able to coordinate their interaction effectively - one person talks, the other person listens. One person leans in, the other person leans in. One person laughs, the other person laughs with them. Efforts between conversation partners feels matched, one person isn't overtaking the conversation or bowling over the other. The conversation feels easy and isn't interrupted by awkward or uncomfortable pauses. In sum, chemistry is something that forms within a conversation rather than from anything about an individual.

Can you predict chemistry ahead of time?

No! Because chemistry evolves from a shared interaction, you cannot predict chemistry from the properties of any individual. You can not determine whether or not you will feel chemistry with someone from their dating profile. It is also hard to discern whether you will feel chemistry with someone in-person who you click with online. There is a physical experience of interpersonal chemistry that you cannot evoke in asynchronous or digital contexts. Conversational deficiencies and lack of charisma are easy to hide when you are not in person. Some people are also more confident online than IRL! There is no way to predict in advance whether you will experience chemistry with another person (even if dating apps try to pretend they can).

Some people are just more spark-y than others

There are some people that most people will enjoy being around. These are people who are likely to experience a great deal of conversational synchronicity or liking with a lot of people. But, what will feel like chemistry to them will depend on how an interaction compares to all of their other interactions. Chemistry is the perception that this interaction is greater than what they normally experience! Sometimes when someone is highly charismatic, people they interact with will project their own feelings onto them (I like them a lot, so they must like me, too). It is important to not assume other people feel the same way we do.

Does it matter if I don't experience chemistry with someone right away?

No, it doesn't - chemistry or the spark is something that can unfold over time! If you connect with someone and enjoy their company, but simply don't feel anything more than friendliness, don't dismiss it! You could very well be missing out on a relationship that can evolve into something special.

There is no evidence that not having an immediate spark is bad for relationship quality or longevity.

There is no evidence that having an immediate spark is good for relationship quality or longevity.

There IS evidence that the spark and chemistry can intensify over repeated interactions! 

Don't dismiss someone for not feeling a spark - try to give people a chance when you have a good time and you connect in other ways!

References

Reis, H. T., Regan, A., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2022). Interpersonal chemistry: what is it, how does it emerge, and how does it operate?. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 17(2), 530-558.