It can sometimes be challenging to know whether someone is expressing romantic interest in you or is just being friendly. When we have feelings for someone, it is natural to read into their body language and what they say in conversation with a sense of hope. Things that would otherwise be relatively innocuous can become the thing that we latch onto to as being a sign of romantic interest. The truth is, we are better at detecting when someone isn't flirting with us than we are to detect when someone is flirting with us [1].

It is also not uncommon for people to flirt for fun. Flirting isn't reserved for romantic intention, and can sometimes be a way to engage in witty banter or connect with others. Even if someone is flirting with you, it doesn't necessarily indicate they are romantically interested in you.

Even though flirting isn't reserved for romantic relationships, it is likely one of the best signals we have to identify a desire to move beyond a platonic relationship. Research on flirting has identified five styles of flirting: Traditional, Playful, Physical, Polite, and Sincere [2]. These styles tap into the psychological tendencies people have to approach flirting in particular ways.

Traditional flirting reflects a style of flirting rooted in traditional gender roles. Flirting and relationship progression should always be initiated by the man. Women who report a traditional flirting style are less aware of when someone is flirting with them, and are less likely to initiate flirting with someone else. They are also less likely to view flirting as flattering, or to feel like others notice them in a romantic way. Men with this flirting style are more targeted in who they are romantically interested in - they tend to be interested in fewer people, and they tend to have known those people for a long time.

Sincere flirting is a style of flirting that is defined by a desire to express feelings honestly. People who are sincere flirts feel confident in their ability to express interest in others and to sense others interest in them. Those high in sincere flirting tend to have more satisfying relationships.

Playful flirting is all about the self-esteem boost associated with flirting. Sometimes it simply feels good to be desired by others, even if you have no particular interest in building a relationship with them. People who report being a playful flirt tend to be more extraverted.

Polite flirting reflects a desire to follow the rules. For example, they may feel it is impolite to make sexual overtures when flirting. These flirters really only flirt with people they are interested in, and when they do, they wait for them to approach and initiate that depth of communication.

Physical flirting is an overt and faced paced flirting style in which people quickly initiate and escalate their romantic or sexual interest in someone else. When they get in relationships, they feel a strong emotional connection and experience a high degree of sexual chemistry.

As you might be able to see, people's approach to flirting or reasons for flirting may be different. Just because someone isn't particularly overt about their romantic or sexual interest in you, doesn't necessarily mean they aren't interested in you. Similarly, just because someone IS flirting with you, doesn't mean they are romantically or sexually interested in you.

You may be thinking to yourself, Rachel, this isn't very helpful to understanding whether someone is interested in me. And to that, I say, feelings and people are complicated. If you are wondering if someone is interested in you, then it is likely the case that you are interested in them. If you are interested in them, you could always broach the subject yourself instead of trying to make inferences from their behavior.

We are quite bad at decoding people's intentions from their behaviors. We also are quite biased, as I shared earlier in this article - if we like someone, we interpret their words and actions through a hopeful lens. If you like someone or are interested in someone, be a little more obvious. If that doesn't work, you can broach the subject in a direct conversation. Try not to make assumptions about what someone else must be thinking and feeling.

References

  1. Hall, J. A., Xing, C., & Brooks, S. (2015). Accurately detecting flirting: Error management theory, the traditional sexual script, and flirting base rate. Communication research, 42(7), 939-958.
  2. Hall, J. A., Carter, S., Cody, M. J., & Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.